The long, windy canyon road that i climbed in my truck. The road that made me want to go grab the monster. It’s one of those roads that no matter what form of transportation you’re in, provides you with a serene place to think about whatever strikes your fancy. With a cigarette in my mouth, the new senses fail record screaming in my ears, my mind traveled afar. Somewhere I try not to travel because I know the power of its unsubtle way of making me question who I am, but hell it didn’t stop me. Through my short 24 years of life, I’ve learned so many things about who I am. Problem is learning and understanding are 2 different animals.
When you learn you examine a decision, look at the outcome, and determine the casual chain. It is incredibly useful, as well as simple and straightforward. Learning is about seeing things only for the results they provide. Understanding, however, necessitates examining the context of a decision and the basis for the process in the first place. Learning is forward thinking (do-this-get-that), understanding is backward looking (do-this-because-of-that).
Where does this leave me? Trying to figure out how what I’ve learned has made me understand who I am. I have such a old soul In a society that is full of, for lack of a better term, new souls. I wish I had a horrible childhood to tell you about that coerced my way of thinking, but I don’t. I was raised in the house I still live in. My parents, now divorced, have always been supportive in my endeavors, no matter how much they disagree with them. My grandparents are beautiful people, to whom I treasure. My sister is a huge dork , with the coolest set of idiosyncrasies I’ve ever seen. I wasn’t a typical child. I always felt school was unimportant. It didn’t involve engines or wheels, so I wasn’t interested. I received my fair share of bullying, due to the fact I was one of the bigger kids. But in our day and age for every pair of underwear you put on, there is new bully waiting to pull it through your crotch; at least I was big enough to scare them away. I was a homebody during school, due to the fact I went to a school nearing 10 miles from my house, making it a hassle to see my close friends. I wore glasses due to inheriting my mothers 20/20 vision, and spilling battery acid in my eyes when I was younger. Que the start of my learning curve.
I attended Los Alamitos High School, which at the time was one of the highest drug fairing schools in California. Yes the rainbow pills were flowing, along with weed, cigarettes, PCP you know all the good stuff. I was always one to shy away from things i wasn’t familiar with. I’m not to positive on why, i don’t really remember having the drug talk with my folks. Being a part of the football team automatically gave me a large group of friends i could hang around with. I saw them everyday, cried with them, bled with them so i figured they’d be good buddies. It’s funny when you’re in high school, how you are so certain that group of friends will be with you forever. Where’s my bullshit button? Oh there it is i found it. BULLSHIT! That group of friends, to whom I loved, made choices that i wasn’t fond of. Don’t get me wrong, I will still give them the shirt off my back to this day if they asked for it, but I no longer talk with them. Stupid shit happen, and I was forced to make a decision. Friends became acquaintances, acquaintances became people I’d hear from once a year, then down the chute they went. It’s hard loosing people to whom you’d think would be the best men at your wedding. I can’t be too angry at them, that group of people introduced me to the people i now trust my life with. It’s a funny thing how and when people enter your life. My life was in the shithole, I’d pretty much lost everyone i trusted, i was overweight and angry at myself. I honestly don’t know what my now best friend saw in me. It’s even bugged me enough to ask him, to which his response was a nimble laugh.
You begin to find yourself after you start noticing how you already found, already messed up, already learned, and already understood. Heres how i became myself: mistakes, embarrassment, harassment, addiction, pride, hate, love, death of people with whom I could not live, loss of pets that left my stomach in knots, horrible relationships, rejection, strong morals, great relationships, feeling like i did everything right even though it was wrong, dating a 18 year old when i was 23, dating a 29 year old when i was 24, loosing my mind, finding it again, determination, strength, helping people, betrayals but much greater loyalty, conversations about life with friends and family, stepping out on a limb, breaking said limb, being stupid while intoxicated, getting lost, being a doormat, using people.
The most important thing I’ve learned throughout my stint of life is you have to make mistakes to find out who you aren’t. You take the action, and the insight follows. You really can’t think your way into becoming yourself. Mistakes are the most justified part of my life. So I began the daunting task of figuring out what I will not do. Now understand that some of these idiosyncrasies and/or lessons have been discovered as early as yesterday, so bare with me. I will not change myself for somebody else. Now as i sit and think back i understand how much hard work I’ve put into myself, and how much effort it is learning myself and adjusting accordingly. I refuse to let that hard work falter, to anyone let alone myself. I will never judge anyone, ever. I will not bend over backward for someone who will not do the same for me. Call me selfish, but breaking your back for someone who will not return the favor is pointless. You are the only one who gets hurt in the end. I will not give up. No matter what odds i may be given. I will not be a doormat anymore; I’m still working on this one. It’s hard as hell, but I’m learning brutally that when you do that people will take advantage of it. It then becomes a hassle and stresses me out. I will not be stressed out by other people anymore. Somebody else’s emergency does not constitute a emergency on my part unless i make it that way. That’s the short list. When you decide what you won’t do, you also have to recognize what you will do. I will not list that out for you, if you want to find out you’ll have to accompany me in my journey, and be important enough to stay by my side.
Another integral part in finding yourself is the company you keep. The quote “your friends can either be a elevator or a cage” is so veracious. I lost my job, or I was left heartbroken, or I was in a funk, i know where I can go. My friends and there families will take me in with open arms to guide me, provide me with honest, insightful opinions, and make sure I’m taken care of. My friends will offer me there whole hearted support when I need it. I still remember with all the crap that was going on i approached my best friend in my nonchalant way. Funny thing is my best friend is nothing near nonchalant. He guided me in the correct direction but the funny thing was is the way he did so. From what I’ve learned about psychology is a psychologist will not tell you what to do, they will guide your wheels in a direction. You take your guided wheels, and figure out where to go. You need to figure out life on your own terms, in your own way. If people tell you what to do, you’ll never learn anything. You will never get the benefit of making mistakes, yes I said benefit. You must harness mistakes for your benefit. Mistakes can point you to something you don’t know, deepen your knowledge, show you what matters and what doesn’t, it can serve as a warning, point
out hidden faults, show us that we are like others, bring out relationship problems, show you your authentic self, show you when you are not listening. You must expect mistakes as a normal part of growth and development.
So why this blog? My mistakes have bitten me in the ass as of late. They aren’t mistakes i literally made, but mistakes that arisen after a certain set of circumstances came to be. You know the funny thing? I’m more happier than I’ve ever been. I’m not in a rut, I’m making things happen and my life is progressively changing for the better. There’s a way of playing safe, there’s a way of using tricks, and theres the way I’m learning to play, which is dangerously, where you’re going to take a chance on making mistakes in order to create something you’ve never created before. I’d rather live my life making mistakes, learning, figuring out myself, understanding, than to take a seat and watch it roll on by.